Oh it's a existential crisis, must be time for a sporadic blog entry.
So, New Year. As that very wise man Matt Forde said "It's New Year's Eve. Have fun. But don't get emotional." And he is correct. But, inevitably, new calendars, diaries, excess boozing, fireworks, Mr Rabbie Burns' ubiquitous tune, and ultimately those pesky resolutions mean that, come the first week of January, thoughts turn to taking a good old introspective gaze at one's current state of affairs.
2009 has been, all in all, pretty good to me. Whilst last January seems like a complete lifetime ago, the goals I had then are still crystal clear. They went like this, in this order:
1. Write the last 5000 words of my dissertation if it kills me (which is nearly did)
2. Get degree - a 2.1, and a first for said dissertation
3. Get a job (a seemingly impossible task back in the full swing of depression doom and gloom, but made easier by not really knowing what the hell I wanted to do, so not ruling out any options)
4. Move out into my own place (entirely dependent on number 3)
I'm pleased to report (with a week bit of swelling pride), that I absolutely nailed all four, in the bag, done and dusted - I win.
It wasn't easy, it certainly didn't happen they way I thought it would, and it took a helluva lot longer than I would've liked (ie more than 5 minutes. I'm very impatient).
Writing the last bit of my dissertation was without doubt one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced. Which is should be, really, when else are you going to have to prove yourself in 8000 words. But it was the last 5000 that absolutely dragged me through the wringer, to the point where I really wasn't sure I was ever going to get it done. Ideas have never been my strong point, and whilst the first couple of features were an absolute dream to write, coming up with another 3 or 4 ideas proved to be my downfall. I remember getting to March, having managed to churn out another 2000, and telling someone I still had 3000 to go in 2 months. And whilst saying it out loud put the fear of God (and my dad) into me, it didn't make the ideas come any easier. After many long walks, discussions with friends, family, a large amount of beginning to write and peter-ing out after the introduction, I finally got my shit together. I wrote about what I knew - I relied on an impending holiday to account for 2000 words (it turned out the holiday was both far more eventful and uneventful as it should have been - the events of the first night - lost luggage, 6 bottles of wine and smacking my face on the pavement outside Waverley - meant that the second day of the 3 day holiday was spent nursing a vicious hangover and missing out on a Ceilidh - a classic Scottish activity), meaning that there was far less material to go on, and a fair amount of time spent googling what you could do in Edinburgh if you weren't a numpty on your first night, in order to stretch it out to it's designated 2000 words, all in the space of 3 weeks. Luckily, several mis-spent summers in my favourite city ever also helped fill in the gaps.
The other article was more of a personal tirade very poorly disguised as a 'news' feature - the news item being HMV's appalling move to buy up some the UK's greatest independent venues.
My final feature was inspired by a big part of my life - being a 20 something girl who, shock horror, actually went places and did things by herself. A bit of background blurb, and couple of contrasting opinions, and it was in the bag.
It could've been better, but ultimately made me realise that, if I couldn't generate 5 or so ideas in 5 months, there was no way I would ever be able to pay the bills as a freelance journalist, which was a valuable lesson to learn before embarking on a career.
As for number 2, well, yes and yes, and that'll do me nicely. It comes from an awful university and all in all wasn't a particularly pleasant experience, but my degree is simply a means to an end, and it's the next few years when it'll pay off.
My job isn't ever what I'd planned, dreamed, aspired to or even considered doing. I am by no means a 'market-eer'. I am, however, pretty damn excited to be working in a creative atmosphere, surrounded by some of the most inspiring, hilarious, and talented people this country and others have to offer. I've seen some of the world's finest ballet dancers, under the direction of Kylie Minogue's choreographer. I've watched innovative, exploratory, fusions of Shakespeare and Hollywood, a hip-hop opera, and a very funny New Zealander. And next month I will get to meet one of my comedic heroes, and potential husband. But it's not enough, and is seeing me spiral into debt as one unexpected expense (for example, four new tyres for the wagon 4 days before Christmas), means that for January in order to stay solvent I need to sit in my flat in the dark and not eat. ( I am, of course, in my twisted way, rather excited about the not eating part). So basically, I needs more bubble. But, I'm impatient, and 4 months in one job does not look so good on the CV. And I need to wait until at least February 19th so I can meet the husband.
And finally, number 4, what an absolute dream. After concluding that I'd actually never be able to afford anywhere by myself, a whole new world of possibilities was opened up thanks to a bit of financial support from the parents. So I got to live not just in a poxy studio with a fold-down bed (me, make up my bed every night, and fit all my stuff in one room? As if), but a lovely one bed flat! Ok, so it's essentially a corridor with a bedroom at one end and the living room at the other, but it's a big living room, and there's a kitchen with a washing machine, and a proper sized wardrobe, and lots of other exciting things (like no heating). And even better, I can walk down the road and get on a tube and get to London town easy peasy. And for someone who spends half her time in various indie dives, that's pretty damn handy.
So, 2009, I win. But what's next? My feet are already itchy for new things. In the past two weeks I've flitted between wanting to move into central London and spend a couple of years there, to wanting to be living in Edinburgh by the end of the year, to finding an excellent job and moving to wherever it is. I think the dust needs to settle before a concrete plan gets set...
Other highlights and lowlights include...as always life-affirming gigs from Bon Iver, David Ford, Noah and the Whale, Leonard Cohen...some life-affirming albums - I have a list somewhere, maybe it'll surface in a couple of days...having a nice boy that always says yes...not having a nice boy anymore...bff moving down the road (not literally, it's still a good half hour, but better than 2), having people tell me I've done a good job this year...meeting totally wonderful strangers who hang out with you all night and buy all your drinks...DJ-ing at the Social...staying out til 5am with some very funny boys and the Edinburgh sunrise...horses in the New Forest...lazy weekend mornings...champagne cocktails in the White Star...
So crisis not over, but thoroughly dissected. It's a New Year. Don't get emotional, just relax, and get on it.
Funfetti Cupcake
1 year ago
